Saturday, March 17, 2018

Who’s In Charge When A Child Comes Out?

When a child comes out, the family dynamic changes.  It’s a role reversal.  The child is perceived as being “in charge.” But you play a vital role.  Don’t “roll over and play dead.”

Your response has real impact.  A parent may feel any one or all of these reactions such as denial, shock, anger, confusion. guilt, worry, fear, shame, and loss when told of his child’s sexual orientation.  But how a parent responds matters.  The Family Acceptance Project, 2009, reports that if parents are high rejecting, particularly if they evict their child, the outcomes compared to non-LGBT children are as follows:
·      8 times more likely to commit suicide
·      6 times more likely to report high-level depression
·      3 times more likely to use illegal drugs
·      3 times more likely to have risky sex
While you may not be prepared for this important message, you can make it easier on your child (and self) by:
·      recognizing that your child must have trusted you to reveal such an important part of his self.
·      admiring the child’s self-knowledge and confidence to come out. Maybe relieved that your child felt comfortable with himself to share.
·      being proud of your child for being so open, trusting, and able to share with your parent.
·      realizing that your suspicions were accurate, thereby not constantly worrying or wondering.
·      knowing that your child no longer is harboring a secret.  This may result in improved mental health.

Like you, your child may have mixed feelings.  His reactions:
  • ·      he may be fearful of anticipated, potential or actual rejection.
  • ·      he may feel that he has disappointed you, made the family’s life harder for which he feels guilt and sorrow.
  • ·      or, he can be relieved at telling his parents.  A burden has been lifted!
  • ·      he may feel greater self-esteem, not harboring secrets and feel good about educating parents.
  • ·      he may feel healthier: his sleeping and eating habits may improve. He may have a more positive outlook.
You can support your LGBT child with the following steps:
  • ·      Identify and engage LGBT adult mentors: teacher, relative, work friend.
  • ·      If needed, seek out a LGBT-affirming therapist.
  • ·      If your child is harassed at school, tell teacher, principal, even Superintendent of Schools. Keep records of conversations and written requests.
  • ·      Safety Planning: Find “safe spaces” at school and en route to home.
  • ·      Join or form a GSA (Gender and Sexuality Alliance) at school.
  • ·      Seek out LGBT-affirming health care providers you can trust.
  • ·      Advocate for inclusive sex education in school.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

What To Expect From PFLAG

Parents feel better when they realize that they are not alone and that there are parents like them who are experiencing similar thoughts, feelings and reactions to having an LGBTQ child. That’s the premise of a nationwide organization called PFLAG ( Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians & Gays, and now Transgender and Questioning).
The seed of PFLAG was founded in 1972 when Jeanne Manford marched  for equality alongside her gay activist son Morty during the Christopher Street Liberation Day.  The next year, PFLAG was founded at a local church with just twenty attendees. On March 11, 2018, PFLAG celebrates its forty-fifth anniversary of helping straight parents and LGBTQ adults. Its membership has mushroomed to 200,000 + members, with 400 chapters. PFLAG was formerly incorporated in California in 1982 and is one of the largest grassroots chapter-based networks of volunteers.
If you need support, information and answers to raising an LGBTQ child, PFLAG is a good match. If you’re nervous about attending a meeting, these guidelines will help you know what to expect before you venture forth:
·      Meetings are free, but if the meeting is in a church, for example, the President may pass a basket for a donation.  Have a $5 dollar bill or singles with you.  You don’t have to R.S.V.P. to attend a meeting.
·      To accommodate working parents, meetings are at night, once a month.
·      There are always snacks and beverages.
·      You may bring a spouse, relative, neighbor or friend.  Although LGBTQ adults are present, I don’t advise bringing your children to the same meeting as you may not feel like opening up in front of them, at least not at first.
·      The PFLAG leader always reads the purpose of the group:  “PFLAG promotes the health, well-being of LGBTQ persons, their families and friends through support, to cope with an adverse society; education, to enlighten an ill-informed public; and advocacy to end discrimination and to secure equal civil rights.”
·      Attendees introduce themselves.  The meetings are confidential.  Whatever is said remains in the room.  It is a diverse group of people: different professions, religions, income, and communities.  What they do have in common is support for those struggling with issues accepting their child’s sexual orientation.
·      The group may share announcements that PFLAG is organizing on a national level such as corporate and community outreach programs, “Stay Close” Campaign that features celebrity families speaking out for loving family relationships or local events such as PRIDE that is related to LGBTQ. To promote safety in schools, for example, PFLAG volunteers may work with teachers, principals, counselors and students to educate them about diversity and  the equal rights of LGBTQ students.
·      If there are pressing issues such as cyberbullying or questions about parenting, those present will often spend time listening and sharing any stories that they have to help those in need.
·      The meetings have in common: listening, sharing, and socializing.
·      You are not required to speak.  When I first attended, I sat with my hands folded politely and just listened.  By the third meeting, I was comfortable enough to speak.
·      There are support materials for you to take home as well as a suggested reading list.
For more information, contact PFLAG in Washington, D.C.  Local chapters can be found on this site.  If you don’t have a chapter near you, you can always connect by phone and online.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Slouching Toward Equality In The Workplace

Gay workers in Connecticut, New York, and Vermont will sleep better tonight knowing that yesterday a federal appeals court in Manhattan ruled that gay employees are allowed to sue their employers over sexual orientation. 
The ruling does not apply nationwide and could be headed to the Supreme Court where possibly it could be reversed because of a history of conflicting rulings.  The decision on February 26th by the Second U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals is not unlike a ruling in Chicago in April 2017 by appeals judges.  Last year, a federal appeal court in Atlanta ruled the opposite way and the Supreme Court declined the petition.  The federal courts are split around how to interpret anti-discrimination protection under Title VII.  Does the law’s prohibition on sex discrimination in the workplace also cover sexual orientation discrimination?
Donald Zarda thinks it does. Zarda claims that his employers Altitude Express violated the Civil Rights Act of 1964 that prohibits employment discrimination based on “race, color, religion, sex or national origin.”  
The case Zarda v. Altitude Express, 15-3775.:  Donald Zarda, a skydiver, now deceased, sued his employer Altitude Express because he said he was fired in 2010 after a customer complained about Mr. Zarda’s disclosure of his sexual orientation during a jump with a female skydiver.  Mr. Zarda died in 2015, but his family and estate have taken his claim to court.
Last April, a lower court dismissed his case, and the Second Circuit rejected his appeal because they found a distinction between sex and sex orientation. In an unusual move, his case was granted a full appeals court.
The ruling was 10-3 that sexual orientation is defined by one’s sex in relation to the sex of those to whom one is attracted; therefore, it’s impossible for an employer to discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation without taking sex into account. Consequently, sexual orientation discrimination is a subset of sex discrimination.
In 2015, the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, responsible for enforcing Title VII, insisted that the Civil Rights Law covers sexual orientation.  The Justice Department does not share its views.  In July, the Justice Department under the Trump Administration filed an amicus brief that does not support EPOC’s position. Others like Judge Gerard Lynch advocates that Title VII should fall to Congress, not the courts.
The entire United States still does not have a policy that protects LGBTQ workers from being fired for their sexual orientation.  However, with Monday’s federal appeals court ruling siding with LGBTQ people despite Trump’s Administration’s opposition, at least the protections are making inroads.  Maybe Title VII’s arguments like Edie Windsor’s case for legalizing same-sex marriage, will prevail in the Supreme Court, and sexual orientation will be protected throughout the workplaces in the United States.      

Friday, February 16, 2018

Mike Pence Is On Thin Ice with Rippon

Of the fifteen LGBTQ athletes competing in the Winter Olympics, Gus Kenworthy the American freestyle skier and Adam Rippon, the American figure skater have attracted the most attention for their stances against Vice -President Mike Pence’s past voting records on LGBT rights.
Pence led the U.S. delegation at the opening of The Winter Olympics at Pyeongchang before the figure skating began. Rippon has been very vocal about LGBT rights when he’s not competing on the ice. “Being here at the Olympics does give me a louder voice.  It has given me a platform. It’s given me a voice to reach young kids.”
Rippon, who came out in 2015 during an interview with Skating magazine, says “he doesn’t want his Olympic experience to be about Mike Pence.”  Rippon’s comments about Pence refer to Pence’s 2000 congressional campaign website on which the then-candidate said he believed resources should be “directed to those institutions which provide assistance to those seeking to change their sexual behavior. “  Pence’s spokesman said he wasn’t referring to conversion therapy.  Hmmm. Sure sounds like it! When Pence was Governor of Indiana, he rejected gay marriage and in 2006, he said gay couples signaled societal collapse.  He also opposed the Employment Non-Discrimination Act. 
 Rippon says the feud is becoming a distraction to the games, and that he was not offered a meeting with Pence. He does not want to go with TEAM USA to the White House for he feels he would not be welcome by the current Administration. 
Pence did tweet to Rippon to “Go for the Gold!” Commentator of the Winter Olympics Johnny Weir called Rippon’s performance ” spellbinding.”  Co-commentator Tara Lipinski called him “the prince of the Olympics.”  The Bronze Medalist Rippon has been called the most fun to be interviewed by NBC.
Says witty Rippon, “my blades are sharp, but my tongue is sharper.”  Although Rippon, 28, was first place with a 87.95 score in the short-skating program, he was later beaten by Russia’s Dimitri Aliev who received a 98 score.  Rippon’s skating did not include quads so his score fall despite his clean triple axels.
Whoppi Goldberg from “The View” wrote on Huffington Post that asking Rippon to meet Pence is like “asking a Jewish person to sit down and understand where the Nazi is coming from.” However, Republicans such as Sarah Palin’s daughter, Briston and Donald Trump, Jr. defend the Vice-President.
Should Rippon as an American and U.S. Team member go to the White House?  Or should he boycott because Pence’s stance on LGBTQ rights is at odds with his own.  What do you think?


Monday, February 5, 2018

Who Is Kristin Beck? Why We Should Care

 Just last week, I watched a documentary entitled “Lady Valor:  The Kristin Beck Story,” released in 2014, at our local theatre.  The movie was preceded by Beck’s memoire Warrior Princess: A US. Navy Seal’s Journey to Coming Out Transgender, co-written with psychologist Anne Spechard, Ph.D. in 2013.
Apparently, the movie was filmed a few months after Anderson Cooper’s AC360 piece on Beck was aired.  I missed that show as well.
Kristin Beck’s story is still timely.  Starting out in life in 1966 as Christopher T. Beck in a Baptist family, Christopher graduates from Virginia Military Institute in 1987.  He spent twenty years as a member of the elite Special Forces Navy SEALS on SEAL Team 1 as well as United States Special Warfare Development Group (SEAL Team 6).  Highly decorated with a Purple Heart and Bronze Medal with a “V” for Valor, among other medals, he retired in 2011 with the rank of Senior Chief and continued high-level clearance work for the U.S. government and the Pentagon.
Beck did thirteen deployments from 1991 and 2011 while he had a wife and two children. While fighting for America, he drowned out the noise in his head about his identity.   In 2013, Chris Beck came out as transgender on LINKEDIn and lives life as Kristin Beck.
Kristin Beck tours the country giving speeches as a fighter for justice and equality in the military. She is a fighter for transgender acceptance. “It shouldn’t take courage to be yourself,” she confirms. This is her new mission that she states is even harder than serving in the military.  Beck points out that often transsexuals hide out in the military as she did. 
Beck states in the movie that his recent fight for equality is “mentally more rigorous” than serving in the military. She has received hate mail, even death threats, and has lost close friends because of her decision to transition.  This loss hurt her, but her goal is to be Kristen Beck, and raise awareness so others can be themselves as well.  She lost in Maryland’s primary Democratic election to represent the 5th Congressional district in 2016.
Her sister is interviewed in the movie as is her one brother who states that he “never saw girly in him.” Yet at a young age, Christopher would feign illness and stay home and put on his sister’s clothes that felt comfortable.  At age five, he was steered away from feminine toys.  Her mother and two other siblings would not be interviewed for the movie.  “Our family is a work in progress,” she says.
A good marksman, Kristin was seen in the movie as an instructor wearing a skirt, same attire for her VMI reunion.  She doesn’t want to look like Barbie, and says you don’t need surgeries to make you whole.
She is particularly concerned with the transgender teen community that has a high suicide rate and Trump’s temporary military ban of transsexuals in the military.  “There are some very qualified transsexuals in the military who can’t be replaced and their contracts shouldn’t be broken.”  Just as I fought for “liberty, justice, and the pursuit of happiness,” I’m now fighting for my pursuit of happiness, to be a full human being as well as for the transgender community.”

Sunday, January 28, 2018

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (In LGBT issues, that is.)

First the Good News:
·      Captain Franchino married Captain Hall on January 13, 2018 at the U.S. Military Academy in West Point, New York.  The two Apache helicopter pilots stationed at Fort Bliss, El Paso, Texas are the first active-duty, same-sex couple to exchange vows at West Point.
·      Gallup poll reports that 64% of Americans say same-sex marriage should be recognized as legally valid.  Last year, the figure was 61%. For first time, majority of Protestants support gay marriage.
·      In my state, Florida, over half of approximately two dozen U.S. municipalities have banned conversion therapy.  No other state has come close, except Ohio that has Senator Rob Portman (R) who has a gay son.  Florida also has the most local human rights ordinances passed out of any U.S. state without state-level protections for LGBT persons in employment, housing, and public accommodations.
·      PFLAG continues to work on bullying, sports access and  protecting bathroom, locker rooms not just in schools but in restaurants and libraries as well. PFLAG National will be working to change language in state bills that include so-called religious liberty.

Now the Bad:

·      Only 41 states in the U.S. ban conversion therapy.  Even Massachusetts that was the first state to have legalized same-sex marriage, and New York State still have the practice that can result in depression, suicidal ideation, and family rejection.  Nearly 700,000 adults have been subjected to this so-called “therapy.”
·      National Coalition of Anti0Violence Programs (NCAVP) found that single-incident, anti-LGBT homicides nearly doubled in 2017 compared to 2016.
·      GLAAD released findings from its fourth annual Accelerating Acceptance Report today and they show that less than ½ of non-LGBTQ adults (49%) reported being “very” or “somewhat” comfortable with LGBTQ people across 7 situations, down from 53% the previous year.  This is the first time Accelerating Acceptance Report has shown a decrease in acceptance for LGBTQ people.
·      Fifty-five percent of LGBTQ adults reported experiencing discrimination because of sexual orientation or gender identity, up 11% points from previous year.

Now the Ugly:

The decline of LGBT acceptance, according to GLAAD President and CEO Sarah Kate Ellis, “can be seen as a dangerous repercussion in the tenor of discourse and experience over the last year. 2017 brought heightened rhetoric toward marginalized communities to the forefront of American culture.”

The rollback can be attributed to the Trump Administration policies and headlines that were anti-LGBT including President’s proposed ban on transgender people to enter the U.S. military, confirmation of a Supreme Court Justice opposed to marriage and passage of a state law in Mississippi which allows business to legally deny service to LGBTQ families. 

To sum up, the State of the Union isn’t great for the LGBT population!

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Suicide: It's All Too Common

Did you know that suicide is the second leading cause of death among young people, ages ten to twenty-four?  Compared to heterosexuals, LGB youth seriously contemplate suicide at almost three times the rate. 
And the numbers climb when a teen is transgender.  Thirty percent of transgender youth report a history of at least one suicide attempt and nearly 42% report a history of self-injury such as cutting.
As we know, bullying has negative effects. LGBT teens are bullied two or three times more than heterosexuals.  Eighty-nine percent of transgender students have been verbally harassed because of sexual orientation and gender expression, according to GLSEN ( Gay, Lesbian, Straight, Education Network). 
How Do You Know If Your Teen’s Moodiness is Actual Depression?
Moodiness doesn’t last, last, last.  As a parent, you need to know the signs of depression:
·      Inability to fall asleep or remain asleep for at least a week.
·      Loss of appetite and/or weight loss without trying to do so.
·      Feelings of extreme hopelessness and a sense of doom.
·      Inability to concentrate on work or family duties.
·      Feeling down or sad all the time.
·      No longer finding enjoyment in things or activities that you previously enjoyed.
·      Thoughts of wishing you were dead and/or actual ideas of wanting to harm yourself.
·      Feeling consumed by intense worry or concern that bad things are going to happen to you and your family.
How A Parent Can Alleviate Depression
“The best way you can help your child not to feel rejected is by remaining involved in the details of her or her life and by not avoiding topics that may make you uncomfortable,” according to psychiatrist Jonathan L. Tobkes, M.D.
Ask your child on a regular basis how he is feeling.  If he responds that he is depressed, ask him if he would like to speak to a therapist.
Research has found out that the presence of gay-straight alliances (GSAs) in schools were associated with decreased suicide attempts in a study of LGBTQ youth, ages 13-22.  Students who attended schools with GSAs were less likely to attempt suicide (16.9%) as opposed to students whose schools did not have GSAs (33.1%).
Caitlin Ryan, Ph.D., founder of The Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State, says LGBT youth “who experience high levels of rejection from their families during adolescence were more than eight times likely to have attempted suicide. Parental acceptance, and even neutrality, with regard to a child’s sexual orientation can bring down attempted suicide rate.”
Sources To Help Your Teen With Depression And/Or Suicide
·      The Trevor Project, a 24/7 Crisis Hotline
·      It Gets Better Project:  Hopeful stories from LGBT community.
·      Parents for Lesbians, Gay, and Transgenders
·      The Family Acceptance Project